Letting go of expectations
The first time I did a 10-day silent meditation retreat I loved it and immediately booked in for the following year. My second time, however, was not as sweet.
Repeating things, like we often do in yoga, can be helpful to deepen our understanding and allows us make adjustments. But only if we approach it with an open and curious mind!
You see, when I went into my second meditation retreat, I took all the memories and expectation from my first time, along with me. This made it harder to remain present and open to the experience, and I struggled physically and emotionally the whole way through.
At first I couldn't understand what had gone so wrong, or what I had done differently to make it such a difficult experience the second time round. It took me some time and many months of reflection to realise that we don't stay the same, and we can't expect the same outcomes, ever!
I think we can see this even in everyday tasks and habits, some days things go smoothly and other days nothing feels right. Even though we do the same or similar activities the experience is never the same.
We change, and the world around us changes. Thats our reality.
When we went back into lockdown recently, I immediately saw it as a second chance. I even posted on social media:
Back in lockdown - a second chance; to beat this virus, to be in less of a rush to move on, to do things differently; better... and to be here, at home with ourselves...
It's not like my experience in lockdown was terrible, but here I was once again putting pressure on myself to have a better or different experience the second time round.
And sure, there's always room for improvement and we should always be striving to do our best in any given situation. I'm certainly not saying to stop and do nothing! I just don't think comparing, whether it's with ourselves or others, is helpful or beneficial.
So I'm going to try to take each day and moment as it comes, to be open to this NEW experience and avoid trying to replicate or compete with my past self.
And in case you're wondering, I did return to the meditation retreat for a third and fourth time and enjoyed those far more than the second time. In fact each time was completely different and beneficial in their own way - yes, even that dreaded second retreat!
"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.
Almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.
- Steve Jobs
